Sunday, October 31, 2010

Listen Sweeney,

Halloween's just around the corner and there you go pissing off the neighborhood kids. Day after you'll be caling me and I'm gonna do just what I do every year. I'll listen to you, act sympathetic and then throw your complaint into the trash.


God, I'm glad I have tonight off!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

"What do you mean you're shocked

by the vandalism last night? Last night was Halloween and you've called us dozens of times complaining about the kids playing baseball and football in the vacant lot. You've been doing this for over thirty years. Hell, twenty-five years ago I was one of the kids that egged your new car! Remember that? Remember the following year when someone put a cherry bomb in your mailbox? I did that, too! When you spoil things for the neighborhood kids, what do you expect?"

Friday, October 29, 2010

HQ-4, unit 42. I''l be outta the car at the hospital.....

Doc, that little girl the EMTs brought in...You say she made it, huh?...Thanks Doc. Ya know it's stuff like this that makes bein' a cop worthwhile.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dammit, BREATHE!

...Yeah...God, I'm glad you learned CPR in the Scouts...I'll get the compressions, you do the mouth to mouth. The EMTs are on the way.... God, I hope she makes it...YOU!! Get the hell out of the way!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hey, Sweeney!

Hope you can shit ice cream and cake! Halloween's comin' and the grocery and hardware store owners tell me the kids are buying paint and eggs pretty heavy this year. After the number of times you crashed their ball game in the vacant lot, I can't blame 'em...Hah! You should live so long! I got the night off! I put in for it six months ago!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Why doesn't the desk sergeant like me?

Because we're in the same reserve unit and I happen to outrank him. He doesn't like to have to salute me one weekend a month.

Monday, October 25, 2010

So you wanna fight, huh?

Well, I don't but I'll fix you right up. Wait a sec...HQ-4, unit 4X...Yeah, Call the sawmill and have Dick send Mongo over to 378 West Elk Street... Yeah, and tell Dick he can come and watch. This ought to be a pretty good one.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hey, Al. Remember Poindexter?

...Yeah. The skinny little kid you used to beat the tar outta for sport? Guess what, it ain't skinny little Poindexter any more. It's SERGEANT Poindexter, Ranger Battalion. He's coming home on leave. He won a Silver Star in Iraq. You best hope he don't hold a grudge 'cause if he does, I'm gonna supplement my retirement fund big time by selling tickets to watching you get your comuppence!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

HQ-4, unit 4X...

Vehicle hit a deer 6543 block of Highway 352, northbound lane. Call Tom Morrisby...Yeah, I know it ain't the usual guy we call, but Tom's been outta work a while and has four kids

Friday, October 22, 2010

Who, me?

No. Of course not. Thie has nothing to do with you. I was talking to the three time loser I'm getting ready to bust for murder one. This has nothing to do with the drunken buffoon I am dealing with here and now...

Sweeney, start taking better care of yourself.

I don't want you to die. I don't want to see you carted off to an old folks home, either. I like havin' ya right where you are. Every neighborhood needs a jerk and you're it. When you leave all of the mischief will be spread all around the neighborhood. With you doing such a good job of pissing everyone off, all the mischief and vandalism stays in your yard.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ya know, this is the first time

I've been glad to see that little meth head...Three in the head, huh? Looks like a professional job...Let me go to the coroners and see if he'll cash in a few favors for me and get this ruled a suicide. It'll save us ALL a whole lot of useless work.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

No, I don't give special breaks to the Amish...

Yeah, I saw Amos Stoltfus stuble out of Clancy's and get into his buggy. So?... Yeah, but it ain't against the law to sack out in a horse driven buggy even if you are drunk...Yeah, I see him... Now pay attention and see how this plays out...Amos is passed out now. Ya can't drive when you're asleep, so no laws have been broken. Wait a few minutes...The horse is waiting fo make sure Amos is out like a light... Now the horse decides on his own to take Amos home. I can't arrest the horse, now, can I? After all, the horse hasn't been drinking...Yup, that's Amos's favorite horse and I guess it just goes to show you that friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


if you're going to go through life fighting the entire world, at least get yourself a catcher's mask.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Yeah, I know your kid wants to run away

and join the circus. I'll let you in on a little secret. He ain't the Lone Ranger. I want to run away and join the circus,too. Betcha they'd hire me. After workin' this beat, I'd be a shoo-in for the ringmaster's job!

So the guys pet monkey

escaped and is on your roof? What do you want me to do about it? Hire a bunch of World War One airplanes to shoot him off of it?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Yeah, the guy can't see very well.

That's why he has a guide animal...Hey, You! You got 20/20 vision? You say your right eye is 20/40? Thanks....See, Lady? he's visually impaired. That's why he has a Seeing Eye Cat.

What do you mean I can't take you to jail?

Here. Read this little card. I got it from a Monopoly game, and we're NOT going to pass 'Go' and you're not going to collest $200, either!

Widow Thomas?

Whaddya mean you're not a widow? Guess again... Yup, robbin' a liquor store.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

"Your daughter is out

with his boyfriend and she's late? I'll keep an eye out for them.

Lover's Lane 10 minutes later: "If I was Smoky Bear I'da dumped a pail of water on you two! I thought you was gonna set the woods on fire! Now get her home, her parents are worried. And YOU! Why are you stupid enough to go out with a guy that can't afford a watch?...No, I'm not going to say anything. You're on your own when you get home, though."

Friday, October 15, 2010

0130. Officer Piccolo spots a guy walking home a bit stumbly:

0130. Officer Piccolo spots a guy walking home a bit stumbly:

"You left your truck at the Ship's Wheel because you've had a few? Hop in...No this ain't a free ride. One a these days I"M gonna need a designated driver, and YOU are going to be it!"

On a prowler call

to an elderly man's home where there is evidence of an attempted break in that was thwarted by the old guy who chased the thug off with a war trophy:

"You've had that carbine since you got back from Korea? Looks to me like the ammo is pretty corroded. Let me get back to you."

15 minutes later at Tim's Gun Shop: "Timmy, you got about fifteen rounds of loose .30 carbine kicking around? Yeah, it's for a good cause...Thanks, pal. I owe you one. I gotta go and finish taking a statement on an attempted break in."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

"You know the mayor, huh?

.... When's the last time you saw him?....Well have I got some great news for you! You'll be seeing him real soon because he's got the same court date as you. I just wrote him up for 55 in a 30 about 45 minutes ago!"


"No, I won't tell your wife."

"No, Ma"am. Not a word of this to your husband."


"No, I won't tell your parents."


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"You can either text or drive

but you can't do both. I'll give you a choice. Either drop the cell phone down that storm sewer or I'm going to write you a ticket that will put you on foot for a year. Pick one.....You say you need your cell phone? No problem whatsoever, it's STRICTLY up to you. Wait here, please."

Scribble, scribble, scribble.

"Sign here, please. Thank you...Yes I will be in court that day, you can bet on it."

Officer Piccolo arrives on a 911 call

at the home of a woman that claims her daughter is pregnant from sperm floating in the public pool.

"Sounds like pretty hard water to me, Ma'am. I'll have the park department check it out."

Drives off.

Who the hell is Officer Piccolo?

I do not think cops are heroes because they are strong, brave tough, skilled and resourceful. Heroes are a dime a dozen. Medal of honor winner Pappy Boyington once said "Show me a hero and I will show you a bum".

Although the police are often the thread that keeps civilization civilized, I won't get into that here.

This blog has nothing to do with catching crooks, not directing traffic, nor keeping the peace.

It has nothing to do with the daily dangers these intrepid lawmen have to face on a daily basis.

This entire blog is dedicated to those police officers that have to deal with the majority of 911 calls because the majority of them are nothing but stupidity. This blog is dedicated to those in law enforcement that on a daily basis manage to deal with massive doses of stupidity and STILL keep their very sanity.

I have decided to don an imaginary police uniform and become an imaginary police officer here and deal with things the way I would deal with them if I were a cop.

Then again, remember that I would be canned inside the first week.

To those forces of law and order that deal with stupidity, this blog's for you.

While this is NOT going to be a daily thing, i will post things here from time to time.