Sunday, December 19, 2010

So? He owns a gun.

Second amendment says he can and you know what? If I get into a bind he's going to be the first one I call to help me out!

My daily blog is

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Friday, December 17, 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Why do I stay with the force?

I like surprises and I get several of them daily

My daily blog is

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Widow Baddo?

What do you mean you're not a widow? Guess again... Two in the X-ring outside of Ray's liquor store.

My daily blog is

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Jimmy, you can't drink tonight.....

Why not? Because I'm tired of carting you home when you get soused. It's my turn! Your driving ME home toniight!.... Bartender! Jimmy's cut off tonight!

My daily blog is

Monday, December 13, 2010

C'mon, Sarge.

Whaddya mean someone said they saw a police car roar off from in front of Sweeneys place a few seconds before his mailbox blew up? ...You don't say?...Really?... Who'da ever thought... Who, me?...Yeah, I turned in the cherry bombs I took away from the kids...Yeah, all of them....Would I lie to you?...Musta been kids, Sarge.

My daily blog is

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Huh. Interesting thought...

I probably WOULD have made a pretty good crook. I guess it was just a matter of which side I wanted to be on.

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Saturday, December 11, 2010


You sure know how to ruin my entire day. You put me in a position where I HAVE to run you in. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel to haul a pretty good kid like you in and screw up his life?

Thanks for making my day. Do you have any idea how good it makes me feel to run a jerk like you in?

My daily blog is

Friday, December 10, 2010

Tom, You have any of those

corporate 10% discount cards you can spare?... Yeah, I know I can get a discount just for wearin' this blue suit, but they're not for me. There's a couple of people on my beat that sure could use a little help...Thanks, Tom.

My daily blog is

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Hey, Timmy! I'll give you a little heads up.

Helen Doud's making pies for the church bake sale. I'll betcha she'll bake an extra if you pick up the trash that blew all over her yard in yesterday's windstorm.

My daily blog is

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


why don't you save me the time and grief and just call Charlie Chan to solve this little mystery.

My daily blog is

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

"Baby puke!

Oh, well. It beats wino puke by a long shot."

My daily blog is

Monday, December 6, 2010

Where did I get my badge?

Where the hell do you think? I sent in twenty-five cents and two specially marked box tops from Post Toasties. Where the hell do you think I got it? Now where did YOU get your driver's license? Off a Wheaties box?

My daily blog is

Sunday, December 5, 2010

There are a loot of things about this job that just plain suck,

but seeing you smile is not one of them. Glad to have helped you out, Bob.

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Saturday, December 4, 2010

Friday, December 3, 2010

I'm getting too old for a lot of things

, but I'm NEVER gonna get too old for this! You have the right to remain silent....

My daily blog is

Thursday, December 2, 2010

How did I get this beat?

Simple. I hated working in the rich neighborhood so when I stopped the mayor's kid for speeding, I wrote his ass up. I couldn't resist. It was the smartest thing I ever did. I heard that they were talkin' about transferrin' me so last week I nailed a city councilman for a DUI! You ain't gettin' rid of me in the near future.

My daily blog is

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


the legs that are attached to the feet you're steppin' on right now are also attached to the ass you're gonna have to kiss here in about two minutes.

My daily blog is

HQ-4, It's unit five-four to you, Sonny.

Keep callin' me car 54 and you're gonna need a few serious sick days off.

My daily blog is

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

John, ya know those leftover frozen turkeys from Christmas?

Spose you can spare one for Joe Grimmer? He's been out of work a while and his kids may very well wind up with a pretty punk Christmas this year...Thanks, John.

My daily blog is

Monday, November 29, 2010

Why am I so good to Skiddy Carson?

Simple. It makes my job easier....Yeah, It's a whole lot easier just to be patient give him a little guidance than it is to simply bust him....Less paperwork, too.

My daily blog is

Sunday, November 28, 2010

You got a lotta Moxie, Kid....

What's Moxie? Christ, You don't know what Moxie is? I must be getting too old for this shit.

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Saturday, November 27, 2010

I don't want to hear it, Lady.

Save it for your gynocologist

My daily blog is

Friday, November 26, 2010

How did I get stuck with Black Friday duty?

I had Halloween off, that's how. Maybe next year I'll smarten up and work Halloween and take Black Friday off...Maybe. Depends how mad the kids are at Sweeney and what paint and egg sales are like the week before. We'll see.

My daily blog is

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Listen, Pal.

The only reason you ain't in the back seat of this car headed to the station is because I'm already up to my ears in paperwork

My daily blog is

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Monday, November 22, 2010

Who do I think I am?

I'm the policeman that has just stopped you for a possible DUI, that's who I think I am...Yup, now please step out of the car.

My daily blog is

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Hey, Kid. Did it ever occur to you that what you are thinking about right now

probably isn't the brightest idea you have ever had...Don't lie to me, I can read you like an open book, so you better get good at doing soething because you won't stand a chance in public office!

My daily blog is

Hey, Evie, I heard your boy went into the service. Let me know when he gets

back from basic training...I just want to see him. I get a kick out of seein' the tough guys get cut down to size and the little guys turn into tigers...Yeah. Timmy will be one of the ones that finds out he's a whole lot tougher than he thought he was.

My daily blog is

Friday, November 19, 2010

Hey, Timmy!

Tell your kid broother that what he's up to really isn't too bright... Just tell him. He'll know what I'm talking about, and no, I ain't gonna tell you... Just do what you're told, thank you.

My daily blog is

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

No, I can't let you blow the siren...

Then again, maybe I can. Hop in...No, we're not going far, just up the street to Sweeney's. I'll let you blow the whooper, too!

My daily blog is

Monday, November 15, 2010

You say you don't like being addressed as 'Lady"?

I can certainly see why not...Hmmm... Ya know, Jerry Springer is always lookin' for guests.

My daily blog is

Sunday, November 14, 2010

No, ya jerk!

This badge is not a license to help myself to anything I want. For one of those licenses ya gotta go to Law School.

My daily blog is

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Community leader, my ass.

Who died and appointed you as the new Al Sharpton?

My daily blog is

Friday, November 12, 2010

Look, if you two don't knock it off,

I'm gonna stuff both a you in the patrol car and we're goin' to West Virginia and the pair of you are going to settle it in the first rest area I come to with swords or pistols. You can't in this state, but those hillbillies down there eat that sort of stuff up.

My daily blog is

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Here ya go, Pal.

I just got it about an hour ago I was hopin' sneak a break somewheres and get to read it, but it looks like I'm gonna be too busy. It's a late city edition...You're welcome, Old timer.

My daily blog is

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Kid, it may surprise you

to find out that when I was your age the chances I had of attaining sainthood were right about even with yours...Nope, I'm serious...No I am NOT going to tell you about some of the crap I pulled. It might give you ideas and the last thing I want to do is have to bust you for something I did as a kid.

My daily blog is

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What's with that bruise on you?

Did you fall or did someone finally get brave enough to touch you with a ten-foot pole?

My daily blog is

Monday, November 8, 2010

You're damned right

I was watching the kids on the vacant lot shoot off fireworks...Yeah, I know they're against the law and no, I didn't do a damned thing about it. In fact, I encouraged it....That's because you don't think... Did it ever occur to you that every cherry bomb set off in the vacant lot means that one less mailbox that will have to be replaced a couple of weeks later when the kids get bored?

My daily blog is

No, I don't know how to unclog a damned toilet

...Same thing you're gonna do, call a plumber.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

It's a 'Free Mumia' T-shirt

...Yeah... Some guy wearin' it fell and I guess it got a bit torn when I grabbed him by the collar to help him up.

A get out of jail free card from a Monopoly game?

You gotta be kiddin'! ...Yeah, I'll let you cash this in for this, but you're really not too bright cashing this in on a lousy speeding ticket that I wasn't going to write, anyway. You should have saved it for a bank robbery or somethin' worthwhile instead.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

OK, Buster, write this down carefully...

It's P-I-C-C- there's two 'Cs' in it-O-L-O, badge number 714. No, you don't need an appointment to see the chief, just bust right in on there...Bring the ticket with you.

You don't like it?

Why don't you call the police?

Friday, November 5, 2010

First Class Scout, huh?

Pretty neat. Stick with it and see if ya can make Eagle, Watch this, Kid. Haters gotta hate....Hey, Sweeney! Remember how you were runnin your mouth about the Muslims? Well guess what?...I just had a word with the Iman down at the mosque and when your church stopped sponserin' Troop 396, guess who took up the slack?...Yup, the mosque.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Someone told me you

needed a letter of recommendation for that scholarship. No problem...No, I'm not going to write it...OK maybe I am, but you can bet your ass I'll get the chief to sign it...You don't WANT the chief to sign it?...Yes, Tommy, I would be PROUD to sign it myself. Thank you. You make me proud to be a cop.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Seems you've smartened up, kid.

Thank God for small miracles...Community College, huh?...Finally got yourself a plan, Kid and I'm glad to hear it...Ya know, I can't picture you behind a desk either, but I'd bet you'll make one hell of a plumber!

Monday, November 1, 2010

No, it wasn't the shootout

during the robbery last year.... If you promise not to laugh, I will tell you the scariest moment I've ever had being a cop... You have to promise... Ok, you promised not to laugh... It was the time I had to break up a catfight between Thelma Lou Rogers and Louise Debrosko. It scared the holy living hell out of me!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Listen Sweeney,

Halloween's just around the corner and there you go pissing off the neighborhood kids. Day after you'll be caling me and I'm gonna do just what I do every year. I'll listen to you, act sympathetic and then throw your complaint into the trash.


God, I'm glad I have tonight off!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

"What do you mean you're shocked

by the vandalism last night? Last night was Halloween and you've called us dozens of times complaining about the kids playing baseball and football in the vacant lot. You've been doing this for over thirty years. Hell, twenty-five years ago I was one of the kids that egged your new car! Remember that? Remember the following year when someone put a cherry bomb in your mailbox? I did that, too! When you spoil things for the neighborhood kids, what do you expect?"

Friday, October 29, 2010

HQ-4, unit 42. I''l be outta the car at the hospital.....

Doc, that little girl the EMTs brought in...You say she made it, huh?...Thanks Doc. Ya know it's stuff like this that makes bein' a cop worthwhile.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dammit, BREATHE!

...Yeah...God, I'm glad you learned CPR in the Scouts...I'll get the compressions, you do the mouth to mouth. The EMTs are on the way.... God, I hope she makes it...YOU!! Get the hell out of the way!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hey, Sweeney!

Hope you can shit ice cream and cake! Halloween's comin' and the grocery and hardware store owners tell me the kids are buying paint and eggs pretty heavy this year. After the number of times you crashed their ball game in the vacant lot, I can't blame 'em...Hah! You should live so long! I got the night off! I put in for it six months ago!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Why doesn't the desk sergeant like me?

Because we're in the same reserve unit and I happen to outrank him. He doesn't like to have to salute me one weekend a month.

Monday, October 25, 2010

So you wanna fight, huh?

Well, I don't but I'll fix you right up. Wait a sec...HQ-4, unit 4X...Yeah, Call the sawmill and have Dick send Mongo over to 378 West Elk Street... Yeah, and tell Dick he can come and watch. This ought to be a pretty good one.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hey, Al. Remember Poindexter?

...Yeah. The skinny little kid you used to beat the tar outta for sport? Guess what, it ain't skinny little Poindexter any more. It's SERGEANT Poindexter, Ranger Battalion. He's coming home on leave. He won a Silver Star in Iraq. You best hope he don't hold a grudge 'cause if he does, I'm gonna supplement my retirement fund big time by selling tickets to watching you get your comuppence!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

HQ-4, unit 4X...

Vehicle hit a deer 6543 block of Highway 352, northbound lane. Call Tom Morrisby...Yeah, I know it ain't the usual guy we call, but Tom's been outta work a while and has four kids

Friday, October 22, 2010

Who, me?

No. Of course not. Thie has nothing to do with you. I was talking to the three time loser I'm getting ready to bust for murder one. This has nothing to do with the drunken buffoon I am dealing with here and now...

Sweeney, start taking better care of yourself.

I don't want you to die. I don't want to see you carted off to an old folks home, either. I like havin' ya right where you are. Every neighborhood needs a jerk and you're it. When you leave all of the mischief will be spread all around the neighborhood. With you doing such a good job of pissing everyone off, all the mischief and vandalism stays in your yard.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ya know, this is the first time

I've been glad to see that little meth head...Three in the head, huh? Looks like a professional job...Let me go to the coroners and see if he'll cash in a few favors for me and get this ruled a suicide. It'll save us ALL a whole lot of useless work.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

No, I don't give special breaks to the Amish...

Yeah, I saw Amos Stoltfus stuble out of Clancy's and get into his buggy. So?... Yeah, but it ain't against the law to sack out in a horse driven buggy even if you are drunk...Yeah, I see him... Now pay attention and see how this plays out...Amos is passed out now. Ya can't drive when you're asleep, so no laws have been broken. Wait a few minutes...The horse is waiting fo make sure Amos is out like a light... Now the horse decides on his own to take Amos home. I can't arrest the horse, now, can I? After all, the horse hasn't been drinking...Yup, that's Amos's favorite horse and I guess it just goes to show you that friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


if you're going to go through life fighting the entire world, at least get yourself a catcher's mask.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Yeah, I know your kid wants to run away

and join the circus. I'll let you in on a little secret. He ain't the Lone Ranger. I want to run away and join the circus,too. Betcha they'd hire me. After workin' this beat, I'd be a shoo-in for the ringmaster's job!

So the guys pet monkey

escaped and is on your roof? What do you want me to do about it? Hire a bunch of World War One airplanes to shoot him off of it?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Yeah, the guy can't see very well.

That's why he has a guide animal...Hey, You! You got 20/20 vision? You say your right eye is 20/40? Thanks....See, Lady? he's visually impaired. That's why he has a Seeing Eye Cat.

What do you mean I can't take you to jail?

Here. Read this little card. I got it from a Monopoly game, and we're NOT going to pass 'Go' and you're not going to collest $200, either!

Widow Thomas?

Whaddya mean you're not a widow? Guess again... Yup, robbin' a liquor store.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

"Your daughter is out

with his boyfriend and she's late? I'll keep an eye out for them.

Lover's Lane 10 minutes later: "If I was Smoky Bear I'da dumped a pail of water on you two! I thought you was gonna set the woods on fire! Now get her home, her parents are worried. And YOU! Why are you stupid enough to go out with a guy that can't afford a watch?...No, I'm not going to say anything. You're on your own when you get home, though."

Friday, October 15, 2010

0130. Officer Piccolo spots a guy walking home a bit stumbly:

0130. Officer Piccolo spots a guy walking home a bit stumbly:

"You left your truck at the Ship's Wheel because you've had a few? Hop in...No this ain't a free ride. One a these days I"M gonna need a designated driver, and YOU are going to be it!"

On a prowler call

to an elderly man's home where there is evidence of an attempted break in that was thwarted by the old guy who chased the thug off with a war trophy:

"You've had that carbine since you got back from Korea? Looks to me like the ammo is pretty corroded. Let me get back to you."

15 minutes later at Tim's Gun Shop: "Timmy, you got about fifteen rounds of loose .30 carbine kicking around? Yeah, it's for a good cause...Thanks, pal. I owe you one. I gotta go and finish taking a statement on an attempted break in."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

"You know the mayor, huh?

.... When's the last time you saw him?....Well have I got some great news for you! You'll be seeing him real soon because he's got the same court date as you. I just wrote him up for 55 in a 30 about 45 minutes ago!"


"No, I won't tell your wife."

"No, Ma"am. Not a word of this to your husband."


"No, I won't tell your parents."


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"You can either text or drive

but you can't do both. I'll give you a choice. Either drop the cell phone down that storm sewer or I'm going to write you a ticket that will put you on foot for a year. Pick one.....You say you need your cell phone? No problem whatsoever, it's STRICTLY up to you. Wait here, please."

Scribble, scribble, scribble.

"Sign here, please. Thank you...Yes I will be in court that day, you can bet on it."

Officer Piccolo arrives on a 911 call

at the home of a woman that claims her daughter is pregnant from sperm floating in the public pool.

"Sounds like pretty hard water to me, Ma'am. I'll have the park department check it out."

Drives off.

Who the hell is Officer Piccolo?

I do not think cops are heroes because they are strong, brave tough, skilled and resourceful. Heroes are a dime a dozen. Medal of honor winner Pappy Boyington once said "Show me a hero and I will show you a bum".

Although the police are often the thread that keeps civilization civilized, I won't get into that here.

This blog has nothing to do with catching crooks, not directing traffic, nor keeping the peace.

It has nothing to do with the daily dangers these intrepid lawmen have to face on a daily basis.

This entire blog is dedicated to those police officers that have to deal with the majority of 911 calls because the majority of them are nothing but stupidity. This blog is dedicated to those in law enforcement that on a daily basis manage to deal with massive doses of stupidity and STILL keep their very sanity.

I have decided to don an imaginary police uniform and become an imaginary police officer here and deal with things the way I would deal with them if I were a cop.

Then again, remember that I would be canned inside the first week.

To those forces of law and order that deal with stupidity, this blog's for you.

While this is NOT going to be a daily thing, i will post things here from time to time.